Understanding Desire Discrepancy
Desire discrepancy refers to a significant and ongoing difference in the level of sexual desire between partners in a relationship — one partner wants sex more frequently, or more intensely, than the other. This mismatch creates tension, frustration, feelings of rejection, guilt, or a growing emotional distance between partners.
Desire discrepancy is the most commonly reported sexual issue in couples and is one of the most frequent reasons people seek psychosexual therapy. Importantly, a difference in desire between partners is entirely normal — the difficulty arises when this difference is not understood, and when the way it is managed (with pressure, guilt, avoidance, or criticism) begins to damage the relationship.
You are not alone : Desire discrepancy is normal — and with the right support, most couples find a way forward that genuinely works for both of them.
The Pursuer-Withdrawer Dynamic
Desire discrepancy often creates a damaging pursuer-withdrawer cycle: the higher-desire partner pursues sexual contact; the lower-desire partner withdraws to reduce pressure; this withdrawal increases the higher-desire partner's anxiety and pursuit; and the cycle escalates. Therapy breaks this dynamic by helping both partners understand their own and each other's desire, and developing a more collaborative approach.
Causes
Desire discrepancy can arise because one or both partners have a naturally higher or lower sex drive. Stress, depression, hormonal changes, life transitions (parenthood, illness, bereavement), and relationship dynamics all affect desire. The way discrepancy is managed — with pressure, guilt, avoidance, or criticism — often worsens it over time.
How Psychosexual Therapy Helps
Therapy focuses on helping both partners understand their own and each other's desire, reducing the cycle of pressure and withdrawal, improving sexual communication, and finding a mutually satisfying approach to intimacy.
Your First Session
Your first session — individually or as a couple — will be a warm, confidential conversation about how desire discrepancy is affecting your relationship. Your therapist will help develop a personalised plan.
Individual & Couple Therapy
Whether the priority is individual self-exploration or rebuilding intimacy as a couple, therapy is compassionate, non-judgmental, and tailored to your unique circumstances.
What You Can Expect from Treatment
- Understand desire : Learn about different desire types and what affects them for you and your partner
- Break the pressure cycle : Reduce the dynamic of pursuit, avoidance, and resentment
- Improve communication : Develop more open, honest conversations about intimacy
- Find common ground : Explore a mutually satisfying approach to sexual intimacy
- Rebuild connection : Restore emotional and physical closeness in your relationship
What our clients say
Our Therapists
All our psychosexual therapists are registered members of COSRT (College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists). Our therapists hold postgraduate qualifications in psychosexual and relationship therapy and many hold additional BACP or UKCP memberships.
They provide a warm, confidential, non-judgmental space where you can explore your concerns and work towards meaningful, lasting change.
Confidentiality guaranteed: All sessions — in person or online — are conducted in strict confidence in accordance with COSRT's professional code of ethics.
Frequently Asked Questions
1. What is desire discrepancy?
Desire discrepancy is a significant and ongoing difference in the level of sexual desire between partners — where one wants sex more frequently or more intensely than the other. It is the most commonly reported sexual issue in couples.
2. Is it normal to have different sex drives?
Yes. A difference in desire between partners is entirely normal. The difficulty arises when this difference is not understood or managed constructively, and begins to cause distress, resentment, or emotional distance.
3. Does couple therapy for desire discrepancy work?
Yes. Couple therapy helps both partners understand each other's desire patterns, reduce pressure, improve communication, and find a mutually satisfying way forward. Most couples find significant improvement.
4. Should I attend alone or with my partner?
We recommend attending together, as desire discrepancy is fundamentally a relational issue. However, individual sessions are also available and can be very useful when one partner carries significant shame, guilt, or resentment.
5. How many sessions will we need?
Varies. Many couples see meaningful improvement within 8–12 sessions. Progress is reviewed regularly.
Fees
Session Fees
Individual Sessions: £90 per session (50 minutes)
Couple Sessions: £130 per session (50 minutes)
Session Frequency
Most clients attend weekly or fortnightly sessions. You and your therapist will agree a frequency that suits your needs.
Both in-person and online appointments are available.